Marx Prewett

Occasional Drivel



12.26.2005

Feds Target Furniture Kings

New Bankruptcy Laws Hit Furniture Stores Hardest

El Segundo, CA ‘Twelve damned years, shot to hell. I don’t know where we’ll go from here.”

The dejected speaker is Ivan “Hollywood Joe” Krupinsky, owner and spokesman for Holly wood Joe’s World Of Furniture Circus, a local fixture on the hard-bitten outskirt strip of Route 191. Upon opening in 1993, the sprawling retailer immediately launched a no-holds-barred campaign to go out of business, a campaign which now appears fruitless due to sweeping changes in federal bankruptcy laws.

“It’s the Man keeping us up, Krupinsky continued. “We’ve slashed prices to the bone, painted every square inch of our windows with neon paint, posted cardboard signs all over Miracle Mall- and all for nothing. It looks like we’ll be staying in business, no matter how strong our desire not to be undersold. It just isn’t fair to the little man.” Collapsing into an overstuffed red-velour armchair with carved coconut-wielding monkey legs, Krupinsky cradled his head in his hands and wept.

Krupinsky’s company is but the latest to be driven into continuance of business by tighter bankruptcy legislation effected last October. From coast to coast, overstocked furniture stores are facing the grim reality of unnumbered days of operation. Ahmaed Ali-Kahli, founder of Southeastern regional ( 228 outlets) Martha Washington Colonial Traditions Furniture, could only shake his head when faced with the acres of woodprint-laminated faux-gilt dinette sets bulging his North Carolina warehouse.

“All I can do is shake my head,” he whispered. "Nobody will buy this crap."


Holiday Terror, Miracle, Receives Sub-Par Reportage

Lawyer’s Family Haunted By Wild Beast, Mystery Woman

Englewood, PA An incident involving an innocent family, a marauding marsupial, a place named Frackville, animated angel ornaments, heroic law officers, Associated Press wire feeds, and a frantic teenager grew even more bizarre due to the selfless actions of a mystery woman known only as “Patricia.” Although cited for her quick-thinking disposal of a possum-infested Christmas tree into the family’s yard, the mysterious person known only as Patricia is mentioned only by first name and mentioned at no other place in the dramatic story.

The Proof :

(12-22) 19:23 PST ENGLEWOOD, Pa. (AP) --

Mary Kathleen O'Connor, 16, doing some studying for school about 6 a.m. Tuesday, said she was the first to be startled by an apparent Christmas tree stowaway.

"I'm looking at the tree and the angel just pops off," she said. "And a second later, this head just popped up. The eyes were, like, glowing. I was thinking, 'Oh my God!' And I screamed."

Other family members came running. "We looked at it and I thought it might have been a fake," said her father, Michael O'Connor, a Frackville attorney. "But then it moved its head. And I thought 'Holy Jeez. We're in trouble.'"

O'Connor called police, and William E. O'Donnell, a state Game Commission deputy wildlife conservation officer, removed an 18-inch-long opossum from the 8-foot Douglas fir the family had bought, bundled, from a dealer in Seltzer.

O'Donnell caged the animal and released it in woods about five miles away. The tree, meanwhile, was still in the front yard where Patricia had hurled it. "The lights are still on it," Michael O'Connor said. "So is the stand."

Need I say more?


11.29.2005

Rose-colored glasses

So I see the Vatican put down the law on gay priests. Hope it works out better than the “No sodomy” rule.  


8.25.2005

Name Pat Robertson

Contest: Create A Gangster Name for Pat Robertson


Since the legendary TV preacher/presidential candidate/mob enforcer Pat “Pat” Robertson seems to feel qualified to order assassinations of foreign leaders, I feel it’s only right that he be assigned a traditional gangster nickname.  In true Mob tradition, the nickname need not reflect his penchant for (remote) violence (after all, it’s not like Pat himself would garrote the Venezuelan president) but can instead refer to Robertson’s physical traits, knee-jerk reactionary habits, shallow thought processes, or thorough wrongheadedness. Winners MAY be awarded a delightful “WWJK?” (Who Would Jesus Kill?) plastic bracelet of the type all the rage with today’s youngsters. Bracelet color has yet to be determined; I’ll first have to review the galaxy of those stupid magnetic car ribbons to find an unused hue.

Contest Rules: Unlimited entries unless you are a homosexual, Communist, Democrat, Liberal, female, Hindi, bisexual (practicing or curious), foreigner, Yankee, Buddhist, Liberterian, a member of a minority, Moslem, Mormon, Independent, or Wiccan. (Face it, if you are any of the above, you should be spending your time getting your life right instead of poking around on the internet.) Contest may be closed at any time for any reason.


8.08.2005

The Day the News Died

Peter Jennings died today.

This presents a problem for me, although not as large as the one presented his family and friends. Hopefully, Peter’s problems are over, as death pretty much wipes the slate of the daily troubles left behind on earth.

My aforementioned problem is this: I now have nobody solid to believe. Since reaching the age where I could realize there was a wide world out there and it was filled with wars, famines, cyclones, disease, and economic disasters, I accepted Jennings’ take on how each of these would impact the United States in general and me in particular and took it as gospel. You may ask “But what about Cronkite? How about Huntley and Brinkley? They were on the air almost as long as Jennings. How come you couldn’t believe them?” The answer to these questions lie squarely in my own young life, and my lowered ( or lack of ) opinion of these venerable newsmen was ( or wasn’t) formed by one simple fact: I couldn’t receive news from either CBS or NBC—our TV had but rabbit ears and ABC was the only clear signal that made it to my tiny town in the rural Midwest, so Jennings became my Authority by default.(To clarify this situation, we later got better televisions, our local network affiliates got better at transmitting, and we had access to the other networks, but the die had already been cast and I never granted the other newsmen the credibility I gave to Jennings. Doing so would be akin to accepting a replacement grandfather after learning about the world at the knee of the genuine article: they just never earned their bones, so to speak.)

This is not to say I saw Jennings as a grandfatherly type. On the contrary, he seemed more like a wise older brother or uncle- old enough to know what was going one, but young enough to change with the timesand styles of the last few decades. Unlike Walter, Chet, and David, Peter could crawl into a safari jacket and look like he was ready to cover a war instead of going birdwatching. Even when he was dressed for combat, however, Jennings maintained a calm, steady, reassuring demeanor, which is more than I could ever say about The Artist Formerly Known As Jerry Rivers or that sideshow act Dan Rathers. Both of those characters always seemed more interested in conveying how brave they were than what was actually coming down.

Since the decades to which I refer have been times of incredible change, there has been a hell of a lot of news to see- the time when space travel, heart transplants, computers, and wireless telephones ceased being sci-fi fluff and part of everyday life. We’ve endured the Cold War, Vietnam, Lebanon, Iraq Part One, Grenada, Panama, Iran, El Salvador, Watergate, racial and philosophical riots, a Presidential assassination, a couple other attempts, and sexual and technological revolutions. We’ve seen death by Russia replaced byAIDS and Betty Crocker replaced by Betty Friedan. We’ve met the Beatles said goodbye to half of them, cloned sheep, burned bras, draft cards, the Cuyahoga River, and copious amounts of marijuana. We’ve put men on the moon and leered at the Titantic on the bottom of the sea. As that new kid from Minnesota said. “Thetimes, they are a-changing.”

Jennings told me about most of these changes, and I never doubted his veracity or integrity. He was a true professional.

In the last fifteen or twenty years, the cable explosion has bombarded me with more news than I need: round-the-clock reports of everything going on everywhere on (and off of) the planet, now supplemented by wire-service crawls across the bottom and charts, graphs, and flashing logos on the periphery. The only thing these news mills lack is precision. Since they’re not restricted to a timeslot, they have the time for egregious speculation, slipshod reporting, and the obligation to keep the Information Pipeline filled whether there is news or not. In my opinion, the cable news networks could can a few of the special effects and learn how to edit. Better yet, they could resurrect Peter Jennings and allow him to teach them electronic journalism.
Now, THAT would be news.